Got a letter from Jane today. Jane really rocks.
YEAH! YEAH! FUCK YEAH!!
lots to write about lately, but not writing much. too busy generally kicking ass in most possible ways. in other news – several new tattoos.
I’ve been reading up on renunciation lately. In a couple days, I’ll be leaving behind all my friends, familiar places, routines, and rituals to start life anew in a totally different environment. It’s something I’ve been looking forward to for months now, but as the time grows so close, I’m beginning to feel some apprehension. These past few nights, my dreams have been full of difficulties. I find myself struggling with something that should be so easy.
I found this quote by Eileen Delehanty Pearkes in Ascent Magazine:
“I am beginning to discern the difference between the mind’s willful forcing of an outcome and the spirit’s ability to flourish in the dark and discomfiting soil of surrender. For years now, my mind has been trying to force something to happen that wasn’t ready. I have been trying to rush a process that knew, in an unseen way, its own time. I have been trying to achieve mastery through the will, not through relinquishment.”
In my own spiritual practice I often must find my way, slowly and laboriously, back to this point. Through no amount of self-confidence or apparent strength of character have I ever been able to force myself to feel happy, loved, enlightened, or successful.
It has been a tough lesson to learn, and unfortunately, one I cannot teach to others. To witness the struggles of others bothers me, but ultimately, they must learn the difference between surrendering and giving up on their own.
On the road-trip. Been travellin’. For over awhile now, i’ve been out an’ about, seeing old friends, and generally “takin’ care of bidness”; spending my earnings, catching light with the new camera, and generally living well.
For those of you who care to know, my mood has taken a turn for the better; sure, i still think about her, but now the feelin’s vary ‘tween missing her friendship and sympathy, rather than anger and grief. About right now is the time when we were to start speaking again, at least according to her master plan. (more…)
The cause of my newfound joy? Ah… the road-trip: old friends, new friends, good friends. Real intelligent conversations on psychology, politics, and revolution over sushi. Debate on the merits of Marxism at Deserts Cafe. Tapas and confessions with Zoe. Running into Johnny outside the noodle shop in a city neither of us expected to be in. Five nights in a row dining at DV8; knowing all the staff’s names, and being known in return. Absinthe in the company of strangers, friends, and the unknown (have you met the green fairy?). The view from the peak of Hollyburn Mountain, sharing the setting sun with a friend, and feeling the burn in our legs on the long jog down. Sleeping on the best damned mattress at Blue’s. Sleeping on the couch at Lind’s. Sleeping on the air-mattress at Slack’s. Sleeping on the Floor at Ryan & Kim’s. Sleeping in the van behind the bar after the punk show with Findlay shivering and farting beside me. Hundreds of fresh photos (some to find their way to this blog). Discs full of freshly-bootlegged concerts. Laughing at the roots under the carpets of the basement in East Van. Finding out how pissed off Djane was when i split town without telling anyone where i was going. Bumping into Rob (who disappeared once himself) and hearing him say, “After 12 years, you’re the only friend I really regret leaving behind”.
Fuck everyone who calls it external gratification; these true friends of mine are the reason i keep on going. I’m loved unconditionally by people i’d hardly realized were there at all (damn me for a fool)! Love and human relationships are really that important. All we have is each other; even when it seems like nobody is there for you, you can be there for someone else. That’s the greatest thing. Some people talk about the limits to their love and friendship, as if selflessness might only be extended when it cannot compromise your dignity, self-respect, or self-worth. i disagree, but it’s damn hard to become that sort of person is who strong enough to give everything away! In fact, it’s just a little harder than being strong enough to keep it all to yourself.
But now, the paperwork is in order. Summer was a bust, and fall profitable enough, but the coming winter looks to be the best season yet. My mariner’s book has some nice new pages in it, the requisite visas and permits are in my bag, and it’s time to fly away. There’s just time for another “last hurrah”, maybe another meal with friends at DV8, or a rant over fallafel on Commercial Drive. There’s 1/2 a bottle o’ Fireball in the basement, and friends enough, new and old, to share this parting shot. HUZZAH!