“More waking than reality”…

Today I learned that my brother Sasha died alone, cold, and crazy, head-down in a muddy hole. Most of his family are only now learning of this, months after his body was found and identified. And while there’s no “good” way to hear this news, I can’t help but feel that this was an especially poor way to find out: by a fluke, an accident, via the friend of a friend of a friend.

The last letter I had from him was tagged: “What you can do to help me.“, and came to me as follows:

The care Bears “get” thier powers, derive really, from the
words “You can honor yourself into disgrace”.
I dreamt in Fullerton CA about a diner, I was a much
older man. More waking than realiity, I was aware that I would have to wake into a younger body.
I was stabbed and bled to death until I woke.
I am now host to a demon, or a man I knew named
Abraham, that feeds like a demon for lust.
He claws with his fingers on my testcals, jams his
fingernails down my uretha, shoves his fingers in my rectum, once his whole hand.
He controls my erections day and night for increments
lasting longer than 30 minutes sometimes. I have self-recipricated once(I’m always trying to fight physcologically for pain relief, mostly for redemtiom).
It’s turned me into a very acute rascist, not a bigot,
-more than ever it is a fight to stay human.-
Face value will create the appropriate proper glad
to dispel this entity, I know it.
Yuri, I have had this curse unknowingly for more than
just a few years.
Contact the Tyra show. Tell them I am real, they do not
want to believe what I write because of how I’ve survived, a man who seeks insinuation.
I smelled this instance before and I anchored a lawsuit
in case of neglegence.Please follow my directions to the letter. Sasha.


What could I have done to help him? Even before he asked it of me, I knew in my heart that he was lost to us, and yet, my failure to seek him, find him, and help him has remained one of the few deep and powerful regrets of my adult life.

In the end, who to blame? Nobody. Still, the truth was held from us: my brother has died, alone, cold, and crazy, head-down in a muddy hole. It’s going to take me awhile to get my head wrapped around this one…


  1. Mark’s avatar

    I’m sorry to learn that Sasha’s gone, Yuri. I never met him, just heard about him as a little boy.

    It’s clear from the letter that he wrote to you that he was ill… schizophrenic, it seems to me. Not sure that you could have done anything if you had reached out to him… the laws are complex around mental illness and I think that a person who can put on a good facade of sanity can avoid treatment… so if he didn’t think he was sick, and didn’t want to get well, there was likely nothing you would have been able to do.

    However — I would take some comfort from the obvious fact that he regarded you as his brother and ally, despite all the delusions. You must have made an impression on him… he knew that someone cared for him. That was a good thing that you did.




  2. Gillian’s avatar

    Oh my, this is terrible news. Regardless of your relationship with him, it is certainly a tragic way to die and if it was one of my loved ones, it would certainly haunt me.


  3. jon’s avatar

    My condolences. I had contact with your brother in Boise a few times and he’s always stuck in my head. He just popped into my mind today and I decided to google him and came across this.



Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *