So, okay, i just wrote this fabulous little essay, complete with a fine hook of an ending, and after hitting “publish post”, i watched it disappear into the ether. Crap.
I’m sure that it’s happened to you at some time or another as well. It gets me to thinking about all the lost thoughts out there. Do they end up with the odd socks and misplaced pens? What is the sum of the collective knowledge of all the accidentally-deleted and otherwise computer-victimized words of the world?
I’ve mourned for words i lost myself, and occasionally, for lost words written by others, never to be read. I suppose the same compulsion that leads me to investigate every corner, to read every word that i see, also leads me to try, vainly, to read the words that are just out of my grasp, out there.
If i might take this a little further… i was discussing logic and knowledge with Slacks, Serious, and Professica last week. i found myself trying to articulate an idea of mine regarding thinking about that which cannot be known, in much the same way as mathematicians deal in “unreal numbers”, which can be expressed in mathamatic terms, but never actually defined.
Then again, that might just be the Aspie in me speaking; a thought interrupted or lost, once i’ve begun to describe it, is seemingly lost to me. i find it extremely difficult to re-collect my thoughts and begin again, being bound to have to repeat myself verbatim.
But, ah, this post is starting to wander… time to try and recapture the lost thoughts of my previous essay attempt.
October 13, 2004
lost thoughts
wordplay
Confession: i’m an anxious hyperlexic. i’ve read (and seemingly memorized) too much for my own good. i use words like there’s no tomorrow, and when a particularly good one pops out of me, it’s usually with no knowledge of the exact and proper definition. This scares me.
I tend to define words by the context in which i initially perceived them to be. However, my own perception is a little skewed. While i typically use most words correctly, i am pressed to provide an actual definition. There’s always this background paranoia that i’ve misused a word, and that i’ll be found out. Lately, in light of certain revelations, i’ve begun to look up words at the slightest sense of apprehension.
One word that had been setting me to wonder was “akimbo”. Now, those of you “in the know” might say that i’ve an ulterior reason for this particular word fascination; set that aside, if you will.
The word to me has always suggested a sense of loose limbs and confident, open posture. I hear “akimbo”, and i visualize the rolling gait of a sailor or cowpoke, knees out, elbows askew. But, in the spirit of my self-appointed task, i turned to research to supply a proper definition.
The Word Detective supplied this vivid definition, courtesy of the late John Ciardi:
“With hands on hips and elbows sharply bent outwards, a body posture indicating impatience, hostility or contempt.”
Well, for those “in the know”, this is a curious turn of phrase! For those not in on the joke, i ask: What words have you been using without having the exact definition at hand? Is it fair, given English’s malleability, that the proper definition be set aside when all parties share the same sense of what they expect the word to mean?
October 12, 2004
LOL, i thought she was sending back ALL my stuff!
i was blowing through Victoria a years or so ago, and called up my friends Galadriel & Flash to see what was happening. After getting over the brief shock of hearing i was in town Galadriel asked me, “Do you want to go see a local indie dyke bluegrass band?” Well, who can turn down an invite like that? And so, i was introduced to a great band at one of the best live shows ever. i gave Galadriel $15 and a couple more weeks later a copy of Triangle Mountain by Barley Wik was in my possession. At that point, the band was selling the CD themselves, at concerts (they ran out that night), or through friends and supportive fans.
Just this week, i was brainstorming with a friend while mixing up a few minidiscs, and i recalled Barley Wik, and it dawned on me that Kimber still has my copy! She returned clothes that i’d given her, but not that disc. Worth a good laugh, i tell ya! Well, i can’t blame her; they’re that good, and she always really did like that album.
i see now that they’ve released a second offering, Dusty Lullaby, which i shall have to get ahold of if i can. Maybe two copies; i can think of at least one person who’d appreciate it for Xmas or somesuch…
anniversary adversary
Today is my parent’s 21st wedding anniversary. i must admit, that scale of time and commitment gets to me. Earlier this summer, i asked my mother why she’d stayed with my stepfather so long, when clearly the first 10 years of their marriage were… “Constant hell?”, snorted my mother, sarcasm being the favoured communication mode in this family.
She went on to say that She and He had come to the point where they wanted that life-long commitment. They saw in one another that person who they knew would complement them in life. Myself, i can hardly name two other folks so apparently dissimilar! Still, the biggest thing that they shared was a desire for commitment, and despite all the anger and sorrow, they both knew that they were an unassailable team. Indeed, over the years, it seems unimagineable to picture them apart, though they still move in different social circles, and have wildly differing hobbies, jobs, and opinions.
Only recently have i really come to see how this steadfast example has affected me. i’ve grown up to believe in the powerful synergy of a commited relationship, and i’ve found myself pursuing that same ideal for myself. i supose that i’ve become more relentless than neccesary in this, my desire for partnership. Is this really what i want, or a holdover from my childhood conditioning? I’ve seen how parents can inflict horrible values upon their children, like distrust and anger; have i had some innapropriate values thrust upon me as well? Will i always believe that relationships are born out of struggle, and that peaceful love can only be the fruit of years of commitment, often in the face of much sorrow?
Lately, i’ve had some heady discussions with my friends Serious and Professica about social activism and revolution. It’s made me begin to rethink my own life-goals, and the way in which i value myself as a member of a global community. Serious and Professica are pretty different from each other too, with vastly different ways of expressing their views, but when they come together, it’s nigh impossible to win an argument with them!
All in all, on this day of anniversary, i’m given to thoughts of commitment and responsibility, both to myself, my friends & family, the world, and to that one true partner of mine, wherever she is. What’s a promise worth? i’m still finding out…
