sitting on the lumber pile
outside the office
last rays setting on my face
one hot minute in the headphones
palm and needle
waxed twine
sewing my shoes back together
can you believe i get to do
this?
hang out in the tropics
play with boats
sew shoes
get paid
watch the sun set
wow
Out last night with James at the J.R., the Thursday night excitement running high. Got called away from the bar to head up Zion Hill where a few of us met to lift a friend’s car out of the ditch.
Got back to the J.R. to enjoy our payment. Some while later, George showed up. He and his girlfriend had been down over New Year’s, vacationing and looking at a boat for sale. George wanted to sail, although his gal Cathy seemed unsure at best. Still, they seemed friendly and enthusiastic, so James, Tracy, and i took them under our wings. i let them crash at my place, and we took them sailing (George’s third time ever, Cathy’s first) on a Colgate 26, snorkelling and to the Bight for lunch.
The whole time, George was picking our brains all about sailing and boats. Of course, between James and i, opinions were strong; we felt it best for them to sail more before buying, educate themselves, and look at a more suitable boat for their intended purpose (living aboard in the Chesepeake). We were trying to convert them before they started down the wrong path.
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Well, George is back, to take possession of his new boat. It was the first boat he liked in a Boat Trader northside. It’s in every way contrary to every piece of advice we gave him. Yup, definately a sailboater in the works. Where a 23-yr-old guy gets $50,000 to buy a bagged-out ex-rental boat (a loathesome Beneteau at that) baffles me. Apparently, he “earned every penny”. Half as much money could have bought him twice as much boat.
Well, James was pretty pissed. He asked George why he didn’t at least get us to check it out for him first. George made all these mumbled half-ass excuses. What it pretty much boiled down to is that he just bought the first boat he thought looked nice in the papers, without any thought at all.
It seemed to me that George was pretty ignorant of how much of a little closed society it is here in West End, and that it was pretty incredible for James to offer to help him in the first place, let alone take him sailing the day after meeting them. Maybe Cathy’s charm and politeness made up for George’s milktoast ignorance. Who knows…
James and i discussed it on ride out. He was frustrated how those kids just had no idea how lucky they were, and here they were squandering their best opportunities. Feeling like a bit of a new kid myself, i told him how appreciative i was of his friendship, and of how i’d come to settle amongst such a fine group of supportive folks, and how i felt it was really due to them that i was thriving here. He turned and said, “Nah, Yuri, you could have walked in here knowing nobody, and still made it work all on your own.” It was a pretty big compliment!
10 minuted earlier, James had loudly told George, his brother, and an interceding patron at the bar all to fuck off for being ignorant and taking his friendship for granted, then later, dropping me off, James said, “If there’s anything you don’t like, just let me know. Anything i can do to help you out, no problem”.
I guess the only real way to define James is as a sailor… if that doesn’t make enough sense all on it’s own, i don’t know what else to say.
When was the last time any of you remember getting a great mixtape from somebody? Djody’s mixtape (or more correctly, “mixminidisc”) arrived here today. Woot woot! i have no idea who have the artists are, but i’m surely diggin’ it nonetheless.
Isn’t a great mixtape a great indicator of a great friend/friendship? i remember listening to these mixdiscs that Mikey Pru sent to Kim, and although i never did get to meet the guy, i always figgered he must be alright simply on account of his great mixes. i can’t recall the last time i received a mixtape, or even if i ever have before, but this one from DJody is the best.
Some other mixtape memories: Krista’s collection of tapes rattling around in her old Ford Escort, road-trippin’ in the summers… i get this visual of driving out to Balfour everytime i hear The Lemonheads. That wild unintentional mix Slacks and i made for his new car stereo… Modest Mouse seems linked to those wild late-night runs to/from Charlotte lake in the van with Slacks and DJane. Heather’s “break-up mix”, that we (Heather, Meagan, and i) listened to on the way to Nelson, and how Heather traded it in for a less melancholic collection upon our return.
Of course, mixtapes used to always be just that, tapes. As we made the transition to CD’s, the tapes got left with the tapedecks, in the cars… perhaps that’s why road-trippin’ and mixtapes have this connection.
This guy i know, Scott (not to be confused with Scott or Scot, whom i also know), once said something to me that has really stuck with me. This was years back, when i was going thjrough some break-ups and other such emotional upheaval. Scott and i had some good conversations back there, down at his old record store.
i was trying to describe for him the sensation of depression. Scott is a smart, straight-forward guy, intelligently introspective himself, and not without insight. Still, he just couldn’t get it. For him, there were happy days and sad days. Bad moods were just that; moods to be dispelled by the coming of better times. It wasn’t just his optimism; it was an inherent unknowingness of depression as a condition rather than a simple mood.
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He said to me, “Why don’t you just make up your mind to be happier?”. Well, i agree with the positivity, but for truly depressed folks, it’s a matter of chemistry as much or more than it’s a matter of positive thinking. Scott was always an altruistic and supportive friend, who wanted the best for others, but he never could seem to get past that barrier of “not getting it” with depression. It was just too foreign to him.
So too, now, do i encounter similar attitudes with people and Asperger’s. My best friends understand it well enough, as they’ve been living and loving alongside me for years. Other folks who’ve only known me for a little while don’t always get it. Ultimately, i’ve had to give up discussing aspie problems with such folks, no matter how much they want to help. They just can’t seem to understand that my behaviours aren’t subject to the same sorts of modification that theirs are. i simply do not relate to other people on the same level that they relate with me or with each other. When pressed to be “normal”, i experience emotional and sometimes physical discomfort, depersonalization, and other para-psychotic symptoms.
In situations where i find i have no pre-set behavioral script or model to follow, i either lock up or overact; there doesn’t seem to be a healthy medium. Of course, day-to-day, things go well enough. It’s just in socially stressful situations that things begin to break down.
i appreciate support and advice, but some words are ultimately counter-productive, usually those coming from folks who just “don’t get it”. Typical are remarks along the lines of, “You act like this, so this happens. You should act like that, so that will happen…”. i’m already aware of what i’m doing and saying, and usually aware of the fallout, but typically unable to correct in time.
Another aspie has described it as being like “choosing not to throw up when you’re sick”; it’s just not possible. i feel like it’s having an itch that must be scratched, and the longer i leave it, the worse it gets. In the past six months or so, i’ve gotten better at identifying certain aspie behaviours in myself, but so far the best “solution” i’ve found is to simply remove myself from uncomfortable situations (a process which i find, in itself, to be extremely uncomfortable). It does nothing good for my social life when i have to force myself to abruptly walk away from people because of some unexplainable combination of stimuli.
i find it suprememly frustrating when i’m presented with “answers” by people who never really understood the question in the first place. i have to rationalize it, and tell myself that these folks do mean well, and actually care, despite their inability to grasp Asperger’s. i can only hope that they take the time to further educate themselves before providing any more frustrating (if well-meaning) advice.
i can’t deal with this syndrome by applying “normal” behavioral modifications. i have to deal with it within the framework of an altered mental process, one which, unfortunately, so few other people will ever understand.
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