i recently wrote a letter to a friend. In it, i questioned something that she had written to me. Somehow, i saw something beyond her words, and asked her why she had written them. She responded that there was no point to them; that there was no further meaning at all. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps i was hasty. Still, the processes of my brain make it difficult for me to accept much at face value. Sometimes this hinders me, but sometimes it leads to much insight.
Now, i love my friend dearly. i would never wish to cause her harm. She sees in me things which absolutely nobody else sees. Sometimes she sees in me things which have delighted me, though i could barely stand to hear it. She has loved in me those things which i otherwise would hate to even acknowledge. Other times, it seems like everything she sees in me is negative.
My brain perceives, in her every word, a point. That is how i have always read the words of others. Everything said or written comes to me not just as a literal verbal message, but as a flood of all the possible meanings, all the possible interpretations. Out of those, i select what seems to fit the situation. Sometimes i am correct, in that i see what others are wishing to impart to me. Often, i am wrong, in that i can only perceive those things completely unrelated to the other person’s intent. However, on rare occasion, i perceive something buried deeply beyond the words, something the other person may be hiding, or something they didn’t know of themselves. Generally speaking, i am seldom able to accurately discern between these instances; i have little way of knowing whether i am right, wrong, or if i have stumbled upon insight.
i often feel compelled to ask when i am unsure. This can start some very interesting conversations. This can also start some awful arguements. With those for whom i care the most, i end up walking a delicate line between applauding them and offending them. My challenge then is not one of ceasing to perceive as i do; that is hardwired into my brain on a nuerological level, completely and irrevocably. My challenge is to learn to discern between insight and fascination, between obsession for details and concern for whole systems.
Ultimately, i think i can be a most incredible friend. I feel love and appreciation in a fashion that few others can. To a brain that sees most everything as a mass of details, the whole greater image is sometimes blurred, but to such a brain, the details are seldom lost.
I guess that’s the point.