i recently wrote a letter to a friend. In it, i questioned something that she had written to me. Somehow, i saw something beyond her words, and asked her why she had written them. She responded that there was no point to them; that there was no further meaning at all. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps i was hasty. Still, the processes of my brain make it difficult for me to accept much at face value. Sometimes this hinders me, but sometimes it leads to much insight.
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Now, i love my friend dearly. i would never wish to cause her harm. She sees in me things which absolutely nobody else sees. Sometimes she sees in me things which have delighted me, though i could barely stand to hear it. She has loved in me those things which i otherwise would hate to even acknowledge. Other times, it seems like everything she sees in me is negative.
My brain perceives, in her every word, a point. That is how i have always read the words of others. Everything said or written comes to me not just as a literal verbal message, but as a flood of all the possible meanings, all the possible interpretations. Out of those, i select what seems to fit the situation. Sometimes i am correct, in that i see what others are wishing to impart to me. Often, i am wrong, in that i can only perceive those things completely unrelated to the other person’s intent. However, on rare occasion, i perceive something buried deeply beyond the words, something the other person may be hiding, or something they didn’t know of themselves. Generally speaking, i am seldom able to accurately discern between these instances; i have little way of knowing whether i am right, wrong, or if i have stumbled upon insight.
i often feel compelled to ask when i am unsure. This can start some very interesting conversations. This can also start some awful arguements. With those for whom i care the most, i end up walking a delicate line between applauding them and offending them. My challenge then is not one of ceasing to perceive as i do; that is hardwired into my brain on a nuerological level, completely and irrevocably. My challenge is to learn to discern between insight and fascination, between obsession for details and concern for whole systems.
Ultimately, i think i can be a most incredible friend. I feel love and appreciation in a fashion that few others can. To a brain that sees most everything as a mass of details, the whole greater image is sometimes blurred, but to such a brain, the details are seldom lost.
I guess that’s the point.