creating direction

Scott here at the yard things that i “have to accept the way things are here”, ie:, a whole heap of soul-less rich white WASPish types with equally white boats. Yes, the Caribbean is certianly the land of excess, at least for those who can afford it! i certainly can’t. Afford it, that is. Moreover, i can’t stand the way people seem to accept that everything is for sale, particularly respect and acceptance. What the fuck am i doing here?


Really, i’m here for the flipside of all this misery; i’m in it for the money. The money and the boats. Even then, i’m really starting to question that rationale. What would i be doing if i had a little extra money and a boat all my own? What more than that had i in mind anyways?
i mean, look at my life right now: i work at a job i love, which brings me fresh challenges and learning opportunities every day. My boss is great, my coworker is great, and the hours are utterly flexible. At lunch and at night i walk back to my clean, air-conditioned apartment to lounge, read sailing books/magazines, and never have to share the remote. Last weekend, i spent one afternoon in a borrowed dingy snorkeling exploring other islands. On Sunday, i made $200 (tips!) sailing and snorkeling on a friend’s boat.
Really, this oughtta be my perfect life. Most people who know me would have to agree that i should be happy as a pig in shit right now. If i had that extra money and that boat, what else would i be doing? Maybe just the same things, but in different places… Ultimately, i can’t see it being all the fulfilling. Robin, James, Paul, Val, and the others are at a weird place in their own lives here; they’ve sailed everywhere, made good money, and have all generally resigned themselves to slowly growing into the landscape here. Their boats are all sold, sunk, or on the hard. Looking at my own “goals”, be it the bus, or the boat, i seem to just be looking for a way to grow into the landscape myself.
i need to create a new direction. i know that close relationships are important to me, and i still want to find that one partner that can actually commit. Synergy is an amazing thing; in a partnership, be it friends or lovers, we all can find ourselves doing things we never could before; two people working together can always do more than two people working apart.
Other than that, i believe that i need to be making some difference in the world. i need to be helping someone or something become greater. i want to teach and inspire. Over the past 5-6 years, i’ve been trying to live my life as an example of choice. i wanted to be able to prove both to myself and to others that we always have a choice, and that alternatives are always available to us if we open ourselves to them. i think i’ve served well as an advocate for alternative approaches, but i seem to have done so without ever choosing an approach of my own. My lifestyle to date seems to have been less the product of such choices, but more of a vehicle for never having to make any.
Kim was a the one choice i never regretted. i committed to that course, that relationship, without reservation. But what was i committing to her? Not much, it seems. i said, “Take all of me! Take my whole life!”.
There was nothing to take, nothing to accept, and nothing really to give. In the end, she decided it for me; she was getting nothing, accepting nothing, for i really had nothing to give except the promise of an unrealized dream. Even the dream was corrupt.
So, it’s a fine tme to start over. Where shall i start from? Why, right here, of course. In a land of white boats, white money, of burnouts and booze, but still a land of possibilities and profits.
For now, all i lack is a star to steer by…


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