Hanging with friends last night, someone asked me to email them with my travel stories. i assured them that i would, and Slacks backed me up, saying, “Oh yeah he’ll definately email you. He’s an email writing machine.”
Well, maybe. i go through spurts. It’s time for more consistancy, i suppose.
i have some friends who write me from time to time, and i tend to respond with less frequency. i think it’s because i seldom write when i don’t have much to say. On the other hand, when i do write, it’s because i’m excited aabout some ideas i’d like to share, or really want to know how things are going at the other end. Seldom do i ask for (or provide) pleasantries, ie., “How are you? I’m just fine!”
i’m starting to get pissed off at those situations where i write and write, and am sincere about every word i send, and get nothing in return. Am i wasting my words? At the same time, i’m becoming more and more aware of the people who still write to me “now and then”, even when i seldom reply.
My best pen-pal is my friend Jo. We’ll often go weeks or months without any contact, but when we do write to each other, it’s with great emotion and sincerity. i rest assured that when she needs me, she’ll write, and when i need her, she’ll respond.
i guess i’m just sick of people blowing smoke up my ass, with “I’m so stoked to hear from you!”, or “It’s so good to be in touch so we can talk about things and stuff!”, and then seldom, if ever, hear from them. i realize that there’s folks who are curious about what i’m up to, and who would rather just observe; that’s okay, but don’t celebrate our “great connection” then blow me off. i greatly enjoy friendship, even with the occasional hardship, difficulty, and pain, but i don’t need any more aquaintences.
i’ll have to get better at that myself, i guess. so… i hope to hear from you soon (you all know who you are), and if my own letter to you is abscent, i’ll be making my ammends.
October 26, 2004
am i wasting my breath?
October 25, 2004
the new music is ruining my lfe
Why am i always the last to know? Seems like i’m always just discovering what everybody else has been raving about for years. KEXP is sockin’ it to me. Well, i wanted some new drugs, and so i shall have them…
Today’s hit is a nice local Canadian band (take that, you Seattlites! There’s more than one northwestcoatsmusicscene!). Motion Soundtrack is my musical darling of the moment. Yes, yes, more of that “atmospheric pop”, but, well, Canadian. So it rocks more.
October 23, 2004
the story of my suit
i bought a suit a few years ago. $100 at True Value Vintage. A conservative 1970 three-piece. Green wool, subtle pinstripes. Lots of buttons and lapels.
Aside from trying it on, i’ve worn it “out” only twice.
The first time was for a Alpha Delti Pi sorority formal ball. Years ago. i still wonder how i ended up there. i was the only guy not in a rented black tux.
i wore it again last night. My last social outing in this town.
Seemed fitting to wear the suit. The suit even fit. Last time i tried it on, it was a little tight. It musta shrunk since then.
i’m not much of a party-goer, but that suit shone. Back in the closet now, on that spiffy articulated wooden hanger. Under plastic.
relinquishment/nourishment
I’ve been reading up on renunciation lately. In a couple days, I’ll be leaving behind all my friends, familiar places, routines, and rituals to start life anew in a totally different environment. It’s something I’ve been looking forward to for months now, but as the time grows so close, I’m beginning to feel some apprehension. These past few nights, my dreams have been full of difficulties. I find myself struggling with something that should be so easy.
I found this quote by Eileen Delehanty Pearkes in Ascent Magazine:
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“I am beginning to discern the difference between the mind’s willful forcing of an outcome and the spirit’s ability to flourish in the dark and discomfiting soil of surrender. For years now, my mind has been trying to force something to happen that wasn’t ready. I have been trying to rush a process that knew, in an unseen way, its own time. I have been trying to achieve mastery through the will, not through relinquishment.”
In my own spiritual practice I often must find my way, slowly and laboriously, back to this point. Through no amount of self-confidence or apparent strength of character have I ever been able to force myself to feel happy, loved, enlightened, or successful.
It has been a tough lesson to learn, and unfortunately, one I cannot teach to others. To witness the struggles of others bothers me, but ultimately, they must learn the difference between surrendering and giving up on their own.
